Every Time I Look at You

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Dear Dharma,

I caught my boyfriend watching porn and I felt like I was being cheated on.  He said he didn’t think anything of it and it was just visual stimulation.  He assumed I watched it on my own too.

I felt hurt and awful so I did some online research and found such mixed results.  Some sites say it’s perfectly normal and that women shouldn’t take it personally because that’s just the way men are built and others say that it could ruin marriages.

I’m so confused and I don’t know how to accept this or whether I should.  My boyfriend knows how I feel, but I wanted to get your advice before talking about it further with him!

Turn a Blind Eye?

Dear Blind,

I bet you wish you had knocked first.

So I agree with your findings that watching porn is perfectly normal and that women shouldn’t take it personally.  However, I also agree that it could ruin marriages, or at least create a certain level of conflict within them.  Both of these statements can be true without being mutually exclusive, non?

Right now every man reading this, and for sure some women too, are rolling their eyes saying, “Get over it!  This shouldn’t even be an issue!”  But it is and you are not the first woman who has felt this way, of that I am certain.

I’ve always thought it a bit of a cosmic joke that men and women are put here on this earth, side by side, to live in some kind of freaking harmony but are designed to look at some things so completely differently that you have to wonder how we make it work at all.  And yet, here we are, relatively intact.

So let’s see if we can agree on a few things, shall we?

1). Masturbation is perfectly normal.

2.) How we get there is a personal thing that shouldn’t be judged unless it involves creepy dead things.  (Then for sure I’m judging, and I’m not even sorry.)

3.) This is one of those things that men and women look at completely differently.

If we can agree on these things, then it becomes an issue of conflict resolution.  How have the two of you solved things in the past when you’ve not seen eye to eye?

The first step might be to agree that neither one of you is wrong.  If you’re making him feel guilty and he’s making you feel like a lunatic, this goes nowhere fast. This also might be a good opportunity for the both of you to take an honest look at your sex life.  Could it use a little spicing up?  Are you comfortable making the suggestion to watch one of these “documentaries” together?  I hear the plot isn’t always there, but they don’t do a bad job with the character development…

Dharma

 

 

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7 Comments

  • Emanon says:

    Whilst I agree with Dharma’s points, I also feel the need to mention that boys are not usually all that intuitive. If they were we wouldn’t have to nag to get the dishes done. Unless you’ve actually had the conversation with him to tell him that it makes you uncomfortable how is he supposed to know? Each woman is different and has a different out look on it. Now if you HAVE had that conversation and this is a repeat offence then that’s a different story!

  • Anonymous says:

    I can understand how shocking it must have been to walk in on this! However, as long as his watching “movies” doesn’t become an addiction that affects the rest of his (and your) daily life, I say let it be. If you have mutual trust and allow for the fact that there are things men do freely, then we can loosen the reins up a bit here.

  • Anonymoose says:

    This shouldn’t be an issue at all in a trusting relationship. We males have been grabbing and defiling ourselves as long as we have know that we can reach things that feel good. It’s usually harmless and helps to unwind. Lack of communication, lack of understanding and an overabundance of insecurity is what ruins marriages, not masturbation. The ones who have issue with this should ask themselves what the underlying problem is and why it really bothers them.
    A great man once said “You know, that really grinds my gears? Where in the bible does it say that a man can’t fire off some knuckle-children in the privacy of his own neighbor’s living room while his neighbor’s at work because I don’t have a DVD player? Well, I don’t know where it says it because the Bible was way too long to read!” -Peter Griffin

  • Anonymous says:

    Some folks are gonna yank their crank, and some folks are gonna be upset when they walk in on it. I believe in the constitutional right of every man or woman of any race, creed, or color, to spank the monkey as sanctioned by Congress. No one should be subject to Republican scorn or censure for pulling the goalie or swabbing the deck, but at the same time, for God’s sake, lock the door, or at least make sure you are alone!

  • harold Palms says:

    There is nothing wrong with a little Tug now and again, women try to act like they dont do it too but thats a lie and a half. you know what im saying ladies 😉

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Whether you agree with Dharma or think she missed the mark on this one, leave a Comment!

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