She Works Hard for the Money

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Dear Dharma,

I’ve worked my ass off in my career and have now gotten to a position with a lot of authority and a high rate of pay. I love my job and feel super confident while I’m doing it.

The problem is, when I meet men they seem to be put off by my career, especially if I earn more than they do, which is often. I thought there was supposed to be equality between the sexes. Why does it matter if I make more money?

Am I just going after the wrong kind of man or do I have to decide between a career that I love and ever having a relationship again? This seems unfair.

$earching for Mr. Right

Dear $earching,

Yes, there is supposed to be equality between the sexes and more and more we are moving towards that, but you know we’re not quite there yet, yes?  From a politically correct standpoint, men are now being taught to believe in equality as an ideal, but a lot of the time they can easily accept situations where that isn’t the case.

I recently took the time to watch this YouTube video of Emma Watson who co-hosted a special event for UN Women’s HeForShe campaign in 2014.  Fantastic.  Loved it.  And so much great information to be found here.

When you ask why does it matter if you make more money than your counterpart?  As outmoded as the concept seems, for a lot of men it’s still a part of their identity, right?  Historically, it’s what they’ve been taught, that men are the ones who bring home the bacon.  Plus, they get a sense of pride from being the ones to take care of their families.  It’s been an ingrained part of culture forever and it’s going to take more movements like this to change the thought process.  Many men have not been raised in the ‘heforshe’ world, but for sure this type of thinking will start to infiltrate generations to come.

So no, you’re not going after the wrong kind of man, you’re just going after a scarce man in today’s world…and NO you don’t have to choose between your career and love, please don’t even say that!

I think you need to widen the net a bit.  Take a look at where you have been meeting men and start to look at some other options.  If the men at the gym or the bar are turning out to be duds, maybe try hanging out at art galleries, or get yourself invited to some professional association events.  What about some of the more reputable dating sites?  Looking for someone who has similar values as you is going to be the ticket.

The bottom line here is don’t give up.

Dharma

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3 Comments

  • Anonymous says:

    I hear ya! I make significantly more than my partner and he is constantly bringing it up. In front of our friends he’ll refer to me as his “sugar mama” in a joking manner but I can tell that he’s uncomfortable with it. I don’t know what to say to him about it anymore, nothing I’ve tried has helped.

  • Andrew says:

    As a man I can relate to having trouble with this, but as a man who believes strongly in equality and women’s rights and liberties, I also know that it’s my issue and I can damn well put my money (limited as it sometimes may be) where my mouth is and be proud to be with a strong, self supporting woman. I absolutely understand where it comes from though, and although I believe so strongly in equality, I was also raised to open doors for women and offer to get the bill etc. But at the same time, when she wants to pay for something, or opens the door for me, that’s just fine. Equal rights means she gets to do anything I can do. That’s it. No real grey area with equality. Equal means equal and men that can’t get over themselves haven’t moved into our century yet. Their issue, not yours.

Do you agree with Dharma, or think she missed the mark on this one? Leave a Comment

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