52 Shades


Dear Dharma,

I’ve been seeing this guy for a while now and things are going great. Our sex life is fantastic. However, I would like it if we could get a little kinkier. I have all these fantasies about being tied up and I finally got the courage to tell my boyfriend.

He didn’t react well. He said that sort of thing made him really uncomfortable since any sort of play that would put him in that type of dominant role would feel too much like rape to him.

I’d like to convince him that it can’t be rape if it’s what I’m asking for, but now I’m worried that if I bring it up again I’ll scare him off. Maybe I should just forget the fantasies; maybe he’s right about that sort of role-playing going too far. What should I do?

All Tied Up

Dear Tied Up,

Well this certainly is the week for it, isn’t it!

I think it’s fair to say that when someone feels uncomfortable with a certain type of sexual activity that their view point needs to be respected.  Your boyfriend connects tying a woman up and having sex with her as equivalent to raping her, and hey, fair enough.  There’s been growing awareness around rape culture over the years and it’s obviously something he is sensitive to.  I actually think that speaks well of his character.

As I’ve said before, I think we play up the concept that all men are up for all kinds of sex in all kinds of ways pretty much every moment of every day. Your dilemma is testimony to the opposite, non?

However, what you are asking for is not the same as being raped, so no, I don’t think you need to forget about the fantasies, I just think you just need to back this truck up and start over.  I think that if you start introducing some kinkier things into the relationship in baby steps instead of bringing full on bondage into the bedroom on night one, you will have more success.

How about this – bring a silk scarf to bed and wrap it around your own wrists.  You’ll get the sensation of being dominated while he doesn’t actually have to throw the half hitches around you.  Additionally, he’ll get the benefit of your reaction and chances are he’ll have a pretty good time.  Positive reinforcement, right?

The more your boyfriend starts to see that this type of encounter is fun, sexy and safe, he will realize that these activities are nothing like rape and likely start being more open to other things.

I kind of want to know how this goes (yikes, does that make me a pervert?!), so feel free to drop me a line once your hands are free…


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  • |Spanky says:

    Jeeezus, where do women find all these pansies??? If my man would refuse to make me happy in bed – there’s the door….

  • Anonymous says:

    sorry, he’s a pansy cuz he isn’t a neanderthal? and read the question.it doesn’t say hes refusing to make her happy in bed – she even says ‘our sex life is fantastic’. isn’t it okay for him to have some boundaries? if the woman said my boyfriend wants to tie me up but i dont want him to, would you call her a cry baby???????

  • the Darkness says:

    First of all, good for you for having the courage to bring this up with your boyfriend in the first place. Yes it is not for everyone, and the incomprehensible popularity of that 50 shades tripe has likely pushed the idea into far too many limp brains than is good for them, but for what ever reason, you wanted to explore.
    First of all, let me say that rape is much more about violence than it is about sex, and bondage is much more about power and control (specifically the loss of control of the submissive player) than it is about violence.
    Your boyfriends argument is like saying he won’t go to a symphony because there was this death metal concert where there was a riot. Not even apples and oranges, more like apples and hammers.
    Dharma has a good suggestion, try to ease into it, it isn’t something to expect to jump into.
    Play safe!

Whether you agree with Dharma or think she missed the mark on this one, leave a Comment!

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