A Bird in the Hand


Dear Dharma,

I’m not sure how to address this, as usually I am a very confident, know what to do, no-nonsense kind of girl. However, last week something happened and I’m not sure I did the right thing!

I was sitting outside, soaking up the sunshine and a homeless guy settled in the bushes next to me, cracking a beer. I didn’t want to appear judgmental so I just let him be and tried not to look. When I got up an hour later and left, I looked at him and his was sitting there, pants down, his unit in his hands, staring at me. The thought that he might have been doing the dirty for an hour while looking at me makes me want to throw up!

I was so stunned, my brain completely frozen in shock. By the time I had walked home and my head was working again, I was mad at myself for not calling the cops right away. He seemed so unconcerned about me seeing him! I should have taken a picture and passed it on to the cops, right?

This was the first time something like this has ever happened to me. How do I react the next time?


Ivanna Bleachmyeyes

Dear Ivanna,

You’re totally wrong – there’s no way this guy might have been doing the dirty… he was, totally and with certainty.  The fact that you were able to sit there for an hour unfazed by his presence was very… ballsy of you!

And yeah, yuck!  I can definitely appreciate that you just wanted to get the hell out of there and go take a shower.

When you say this was the first time this has happened, you must know you now belong to a very exclusive group – and the group this happens to more than once is on track with the group who regularly get bucked off of unicorns.  I’m not sure how far we need to go down the rabbit hole in regards to how to react the “next time”… do you anticipate this is going to be a regularly occurring incident?  If so, you may want to stop frequenting areas where guys like this hang out…

Of course you were shocked and handled the situation the way you did – to be brazen enough to whip out your cell phone and squeeze off a shot of this dirty bird would have been something else!  But honestly, confronting a person like this by poking a camera in his face may not have been the best thing, so I’m actually glad you didn’t do that.  You never know how he could have reacted, he might have lost his grip, and you have to put your own safety first.

However, you can still be helpful and call the non-emergency law enforcement in your area and let them know what happened.  They will document the incident and keep it on file, which can be helpful if multiple people make similar reports.

To make note of the details – location, time of day, a description of his… ummmm… shirt? – and call the authorities is the sum total of what you needed to do.  Or should do when this happens at the next unicorn rodeo…



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