Sexual Healing

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Dear Dharma,

My wife and I have been together some time now and our sex life seems to be floundering.  She is perfectly happy with the once a week, boring, regular sex.  I, on the other hand, want to spice things up and possibly get a little crazy (not too crazy, I’m not talking like 50 Shades of Grey or anything).

Every time the topic comes up she almost immediately shuts down the conversation. I’m not sure if she’s just afraid to move out of her comfort level or if she’s just lost the desire to be intimate with me.

How can I approach this with her and make this work so we are both getting our needs met?

Bored n’ Horny

Dear Bn’H,

I love how 50 Shades of Grey is the new measure for all things sex these days.  Seriously, this movie has done no favours for those with a lower libido!

Every advice column I have read along the way has some variation of this situation, so if nothing else, you are not alone – even though it might feel like it six nights of the week.

If your wife shuts down every time you bring up this topic, my first thought would be to find a different way to broach the discussion.  The fact that she’s uncomfortable with the conversation tells me a few things.  She knows what you want, and yet for whatever reason, she’s not up for it, which possibly leaves her feeling guilty.  If she’s thinks she’s letting you down, then every time you bring it up, it triggers that reaction and she bolts – no one likes to feel bad, right?

That doesn’t mean you should drop this, because you’re right, you both need to have your needs met.  And the longer this goes without resolve, the bigger the black cloud grows.

You need to make her feel safe in talking about this, and not under attack.  Acknowledge some of the things that are going on in her world – is she overtired, overworked, overwhelmed and just plain stressed out?  Phhht – who are we kidding – we probably all feel this way most of the time, and the unfortunate part is these factors really can do damage to how much energy and interest we bring to the bedroom, especially for women.

However, once you get a productive conversation going, one where she feels understood and, you might see a bit of a change – when the big elephant in the room gets acknowledged, it usually gets easier to breathe and relax, non?

Then try to find some ways to re-establish intimacy in your relationship that don’t involve a follow-up romp in the sack.  Send her a flirty little text, kiss her with no expectations, give her a back rub and leave it at that – what’s the saying, always leave them wanting more?

I’m just thinking that once the pressure is lifted, you may be pleasantly surprised with how things go.  Once you both get to that point, that’s where you might start introducing some of those spicier aspects – but don’t push too much, too fast… excuse the pun.  Just let it happen naturally, that’s all I’m saying!

Lots of relationships go through this phase, so don’t get discouraged too quickly.  However, if you feel you have tried everything with no result, then you might want to consider some couples counselling to see if you can get things back on track…

Here’s another variation of this Q and A.

Dharma

 

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