Here for a Good Time AND a Long Time

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Dear Dharma,

I have been seeing this girl (well, a woman really, both of us look back fondly on our 30’s) for over a year.  We have both been in long term relationships in the past that ended badly, (one unhappy marriage, and one long term common law relationship that was a train wreck in slow motion, but that is maybe a different question) and both have a pretty good grasp of what we want  – and don’t want – in a relationship.

We seemed to click right away when we met, as we have a lot of common interests, and there is definitely a “spark”.

I am ready and willing to take this to the next level, and I think we should move in together, really step up our game.  We are so perfect in so many ways, to me it only makes sense.  The problem is that when I try to bring this up, she laughs it off “oh yeah, you just want to have control of the remote” or puts me off until later “let’s talk about that after Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or New Year’s, or in the Spring” and seems to be very dismissive of the idea.

I have noticed that she is this way about a lot of things.  She won’t flat out tell me she doesn’t want to fly out to meet my parents, but will delay and avoid making definite plans until it becomes too late and the seat sales have passed and now it’s too expensive.  She has no problem making plans for something SHE wants to do; somehow those excuses don’t apply in all cases.

I get that people aren’t perfect, and everyone has things that will rub you the wrong way, I don’t expect Harlequin romance. How do I make her see that I am serious about our relationship, and that her being vague and evasive is starting to be hurtful?  I want to make her see what is so obvious to me, that we should be together full time and for the long term!

A Fool in Love

Dear Fool,

Well, there are more than a few red flags in here, wouldn’t you say?  Avoidance, dismissiveness, double standards…

So here’s the thing.  What if her attitude towards moving forward never changes – can you live with that and continue on with this relationship?  If yes, then the thing to do is cancel the moving truck and enjoy the situation for what it is.  If you keep badgering her, you’ll just end up pushing her further away – and it sounds like that would be an easy task, she’s already got one foot out the door, non?

And I’m looking at your language – “take this to the next level”, “really step up our game”, “fly out to meet my parents” – maybe it’s too much, too fast?  It’s only been a year, which really isn’t all that long, especially if there’s a bad relationship looming in the past.

Maybe just roll with things for the next little while and see if she responds differently once the pressure has been lifted.  I don’t mean you should let this go on forever, because if in the end it’s a no-go, I would hate to see you waste your time.

Eventually you are going to have pin her down for a real answer, because these cute and flippant responses are going to quickly lose their charm.  In the end, if you want more out of a relationship than she is willing to give, you’re just going to have to accept that.  To make someone see what you want them to when they don’t see it themselves is like giving a cat a pill.  A lot of hard work for little return, especially when you find that stupid pill on your living room carpet.

Hopefully the tactic of backing off for a while will get you the desired effect. If not, well, only you can decide if you are willing to settle for a relationship that is good, but not great.

Dharma

 

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2 Comments

  • Anonymous says:

    Wow, it’s really time for her to cut the coy, non-answer crap. If she’s not ready, why not just say she’s not ready? At least them he would know where he stood! And then wouldn’t keep bringing it up! Isn’t communication the key to relationships? How would she feel if he did it to her?

  • Georgia says:

    There is nothing wrong with maintaining a monogamous relationship but NOT moving in together. Living together can be very stressful and maybe this lady just values her own time and space. I think we have all been brainwashed into thinking that the next step in a serious relationship HAS to be cohabitation. No way! This is not medieval England, folks! Being independent helps keep the “familiarity breeds contempt” aspect to a minimum and maintains the thrill of dating. I have done both and prefer to keep my own space… my own space.

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