Bringin’ Home the Bacon

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Dear Dharma,

A friend of mine’s significant other is rather talented in the kitchen and made a group of us the most amazing batch of bacon I’ve ever tasted.  Seriously, it was almost better than sex. I loved my bacon. I savored my bacon. And then it was gone.  If I had been smart I would have saved some, set it aside for a special occasion or something. But alas, it’s gone. Now, I have become a bacon crazed lunatic, desperately trying to find something similar in the stores to pacify my cravings. No such luck.

How can I request more bacon from this talented bacon supplier without being seen as a pest? I doubt grovelling at the bacon-masters feet will help. I know it takes a lot of time and effort, but I just can’t get enough!

Sincerely,

Bacon Junkie

Dear Bacon,

Funny thing, bacon, isn’t it.  It’s been around since Zeus made pigs, but in the past few years, the craze has hit an all-time high.  Every cooking show, every restaurant, they’re all cashing in on the trend that doesn’t show much sign of slowing.  If this bacon is as good as you make it sound, like it’s been delivered straight from heaven, no wonder it’s got you howling from the mountain tops for more.

Have you tried dropping subtle hints, like “Wow, that bacon was amazing, I’d sure like to be top of the list should you ever make some more!”?  Or “’I’ve been thinking I would make it myself, if only I had a bacon maker – but (sad face) I don’t.”  Followed by a long emotional sigh…  I’m assuming it takes some special equipment to make bacon, and I’m assuming it’s not something everyone has, so maybe work that angle.

If you have tried all the delicate ways with no success, I can only see two options for you.

One is to… oh Bacon, I hate to say it, but you might have to learn to live without it.  I cringed as I said that, like I was putting a knife straight through your beating heart.

The other is do exactly what you said wouldn’t work – grovel at the bacon-masters feet.  If you went, hat in hand, looking pale and drained, and said, “What can I do?  What can I do to get more bacon, cuz I need it and I need it bad.”

You could follow that up with an offer to help, an offer to pick up supplies, an offer to… oh I don’t know, maybe take his wife for lunch or clean her house!  Okay, fine, maybe not the last few things, but the first ones are viable, non?

If it were me, I’d go with the latter. I’d rather do that than face the bleak reality of no bacon ever again.  It actually sounds like you might be too fragile to even entertain that notion, so just try, okay?  You’d kick yourself if you found out the answer was yes, but you’d never asked.  As with most things in life…

Dharma

 

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2 Comments

  • Dani says:

    OMG, pork fat rules!! I already think that bacon is one of the most amazing things ever and I haven’t even tried this guy’s home-made version!! Sounds amazing! Almost better than sex??

    If his bacon is THAT good (sounds dirty, but it’s not!), I don’t know if I could handle it… yet, for some strange reason, I’d really be willing to give it a try!! I wouldn’t know how to help or where to pick up supplies, but I would certainly take his wife out for lunch!! She must be really happy, with all that bacon and such!

  • Dharma says:

    I really think the wife is the way in here…

Whether you agree with Dharma or think she missed the mark on this one, leave a Comment!

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