Call Me Maybe?

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Dear Dharma,

A few weeks ago, I had a large get-together, including friends of mine from different groups (work, sports, etc.). I was beyond excited when all of my friends seemed to get along, and who wouldn’t be? But here’s the thing…since then, one friend, I’ll call him Tyler, has been overly interested in making plans with another friend of mine, Catherine.

I am happy that my friends from different groups can get along, but it has now gotten to the point where Tyler will blow me off for Catherine, when I was the one to introduce them! I’m trying really hard to not get miffed here, but I find it a little insulting when he uses my nickname for her and tells me all about how awesome she is…when I already know!

How do I go about telling him how I feel without sounding like the jealous mutual friend? I really want to stay friends with both of them, but this is starting to cause tension between Catherine and me.

Monkey in the Middle

Dear Monkey,

So my first thought is that Tyler is interested in Catherine.  Is that a possibility, or do you think they hit it off strictly as friends?  Because that really does make a difference in the answer…

If he is interested in more than friendship with Catherine, and it’s mutual, then I think you need to step back and see how things develop between them.  Trust me, if they are hooking up, then including you in the process is the last thing on their minds!  And honestly, you could probably live without that, non?

If this new relationship is in fact platonic, then it’s kind of a crappy position for you to be in.  I agree, of course it’s great that your friends get along!  It’s nice to create a little village where everyone knows everyone.  However, it would be nice to be included in that village, wouldn’t it… especially since you are the conduit between them.

To get blown off for any reason is hurtful, so that might be the point to work with.  I don’t think you can make it about them being friends, because you’re right, you’ll just come off sounding jealous.  And let’s face it, that’s the truth, right?  It’s okay, you can say it.  It is what it is, and it’s a pretty common reaction to being left out by people who are supposed to care about you.

So if you can find a way to make your delivery light and breezy, I would approach Tyler (not Catherine – the tension shouldn’t be between the two of you – she’s not the one blowing you off, is she?) and say something like, “I think it’s great you two have become friends, but I have to be honest and say it doesn’t feel all that great to not be included. Maybe we could all hang out sometime!  I miss spending time with you!”

I don’t think Tyler is doing anything intentionally to hurt you, I just think he’s not aware, which creates the illusion of insensitivity.  Often people are oblivious as to how their actions affect the people around them.

If the light breeziness doesn’t work its charm, then maybe it’s time to focus your attention on the rest of your friends and let Tyler and Catherine bask in their new found camaraderie.

Dharma

 

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1 Comment

  • Amelie Z says:

    It’s hard not to take it personally when things like this happen. You feel you should just automatically be included… but then you come across as needy, and then they leave you out even more. It would be nice if we all viewed things like this the same way.

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