Movin’ On Up


Dear Dharma,

My girlfriend and I have been living together for 3 years.  We are both employed, she makes quite a bit more than I do, but it has never been an issue.  I have been taking upgrading courses and gaining experience, and I have been offered a great opportunity.

It is a new job with much more responsibility, and higher pay.  The downside is it means we would have to a move to a new city, one where neither of us has much in the way of family or any kind of social network.

Our previous discussions around moving (we talked about it semi-seriously a year or so ago) ended with her saying she really didn’t want to move.

My work will be pretty much the same as I have now if I stay, as most of the good opportunities for young people in my field are out of town. I feel she could find work there pretty easily, as her skill set is flexible and she has a great work ethic.

I want to know how to bring this up again, with the best chance of changing her mind.  I don’t think I am being selfish, as this is a good move for both of us.

Working for a Living

Dear Living,

Kudos to you for making the effort to upgrade your skills, it looks like the hard work is paying off!   I know more than a few women who would be totally behind their spouse/boyfriend taking the initiative to move themselves forward – mostly woman are good with their guys having ambition.

First of all, I don’t think we want to work on “changing her mind”.  That could result in her reluctantly going along with things, but then any potential problems that come out of the move will forever be your fault.  The ideal would be if she was could see this as the great opportunity it is and be on board.

You say you’ve discussed moving in the past and she didn’t really want to.  At that point, though, there was nothing to move for, so it makes sense to me that she wouldn’t be in to it.  Obviously you weren’t either, cuz here you both still are.

Now there’s a reason, and you’re right, it sounds like you could both benefit from this move.

You don’t say anything about the status of her career currently; you just say that her skill set is flexible – which makes it sound like she has a ‘job’, but not a ‘career’.  Would she agree with that assessment? Also, does your financial situation allow her to be out of work for a little bit while you both get settled into a new city and she finds her new opportunity?

This could be a fun and exciting new challenge for the both of you.  I’m hopeful that she will see it the same way.  The key is in talking it through and not pushing it on her.  She needs to feel she has a say in this and that you’re not steamrolling her.

I’m sure Dharma’s readers would be interested to hear how this all goes, so please feel free to keep us in the loop!



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