Somebody to Love


Dear Dharma,

I have a friend who I think might be gay but hasn’t come out to me. I’m gay and I think that my gaydar is spot on. Nowadays, the metrosexuals are jamming my gaydar, so I could be wrong but I don’t think so in this case.

He hasn’t had a girlfriend in the 6 years I’ve known him and he’s very cute so in my head that’s a sign. Say what you want, but I know this stuff from experience!

He has mentioned to me that he wants to find a “partner” but I didn’t pry to ask if he wants a male or female partner. He’s Muslim so that may have something to do with not coming out as well.

I want to ask him if he’s gay without him getting offended or upset at me. How do you think I should approach the issue?

I’m Coming Out

Dear Coming Out,

Grrr.  Song immediately stuck in my head.  I mean, not that I don’t appreciate a little Diana Ross now and then, but I can tell this one’s on repeat for the night.

My first thought is, and not to be rude, but what’s it to you? I mean, what’s the end game in you knowing one way or the other?  Is it so you can help him find a partner or is it just a curiosity thing, a way to verify that your gaydar is still functioning at 100%?

Because the thing is, you could be wrong, and if so, you do run the risk of offending or upsetting him.  I guess I’m just interested in understanding why you would want to run those numbers.

Okay, but saying you do, I think the safest way to push around is in a gender neutral kind of way.  Next time it comes up that he wants to find a partner, you could say something like, “So, what are you looking for in a person?  I know lots of single people; maybe I could help you out!”

Of course, we run the risk of an equally gender neutral response – “Oh, I don’t know, someone who’s honest and caring, likes long walks on the beach…”


Alright, how about from there you ask him to tell you a little bit about his last relationship, what worked, what didn’t… Come on, he’s got to give it up with the slip of a pronoun now, non?  “He/she was great in the kitchen, but totally stole all the covers until I couldn’t take it anymore!”

It seems likely that if he gives any type of narrative, it’s got to include the information you are looking for!

Hopefully his last relationship wasn’t with someone named Pat.

Maybe some of Dharma’s readers could offer up some suggestions?



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