Best of Dharma – Let’s Talk About Sex


The holidays are a perfect time to revisit some of Dharma’s best – this post generated a whole lot of interest, and quite a few people voted in the poll.  If you didn’t the first time around, don’t let a second chance pass you by!  Happy Holidays!

Dear Dharma,

I have a question I have been discussing with some friends, and there doesn’t seem to be any consensus.

Say you’re at a point in your life when you’re not really emotionally available for a relationship for a while, but being human, you have certain needs for human affection, etc. You’re not in your twenties anymore, so you know how terrible and unfulfilling picking up strangers and even booty calls can be. You also know how complicated friends with benefits can be.

Do you think it’s possible to have a friendship with benefits that doesn’t get complicated, and if so, what do you think makes it possible?

Friend-Sex Curious

Dear Friend-Sex,

It doesn’t surprise me that you can’t get to a general consensus with this one – and that may very well be the answer, that there is no general consensus.

Do I think it’s possible that you can have a friend with benefits that doesn’t get complicated? Yes, I do. I think it’s possible, and there is probably some kind of scientific information out there that would back that theory… Roswell, anyone?

Do I think it’s likely, statistically speaking, that two people can get naked with each other on a regular basis and it not get complicated in some way?  I…. no, I don’t.

Look, speaking for myself, there’s got to be some kind of chemistry, some kind of spark, for me to want to take my clothes off with another person.  And maybe it’s just me (nah, I’m pretty sure it’s the same for JLo, too), but chemistry and sparks have to equal some kind of emotion, non? For at least one of the parties, somewhere along the line?

And that’s the thing.  That’s what you can’t definitively answer. You simply cannot guarantee how someone might feel down the road because those pesky human emotions are so unpredictable.

I do believe 2 people can start off in a friends with benefits situation that can go smoothly for a period of time, but I think the potential for someone to start feeling something they weren’t expecting runs high, leading to – wait for it – complications.  It’s almost like the longevity of the situation is what puts it at risk.

As a sidebar – and maybe one too many Hugh Grant movies on my part – there’s always a chance that those “complications” might turn the situation into something interesting, albeit something you might not have been ready for when entering the friends with benefits zone… Not necessarily a bad thing if you are open to the possibility!



Got a question for Dharma? She’s probably got an answer!

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Whether you agree with Dharma or think she missed the mark on this one, leave a Comment!

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