50 First Dates

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Dear Dharma,

I am losing all hope in ‘man’kind. My city has the reputation of being an emotional black hole for women but the last guy I went out with takes the cake!

A friend of mine met him at an event and found out he was single and the good wing lady that she is, she set us up. We met up at his boat, which is friggin’ huge and you need to climb up a stepladder to get on it. This jerk didn’t even have the decency to offer me a hand! He climbed up and went inside and left me standing on the dock – in the rain! Ugh, I thought OK, I should leave now but wanted to give him a chance.

Inside he talked about himself for 3 hours. He made himself a drink but didn’t offer me anything. I almost had to beg for him to walk me back through the night, he did not offer that himself.

I thought after this ridiculous date I would not talk to him again but he really wanted to go for dinner. I wasn’t sure but thought everyone deserves a second chance and agreed to see him again.

If you thought date #1 was bad… this was worse! He didn’t show!! The restaurant we wanted to go to was closed so I texted him to let him know. 30 minutes later he texted back and asked where I wanted to go instead. I didn’t text back but called instead and he tried to turn it on me that I didn’t text back where I wanted to go and why should he bother coming to a closed restaurant. So I told him I wasn’t hungry anymore and hung up.

This douchebag kept mentioning how wealthy he was and that he hasn’t worked in 5 years and how expensive his damn boat is, yadayada… He must think all of this doesn’t require him to have manners and common decency 🙁

Seriously Dharma, what is wrong? Is there anything I could have done better? Also, where does one find a good man in this nightmare called Vancouver?

Loveless in VanCity

Dear VanCity,

The first thing in your letter that jumps out at me is how many times you know the situation wasn’t working out, and how many times you decided to give him a second chance… A second chance to what, keep showing you he’s a douche?

Right from the get go, his manners weren’t up to your liking (I totally agree with you on that!), and he certainly wasn’t trying to make anything but a bad impression.

And still you signed up for the second date. Everything he does after that point pretty much has to be expected, non? He had already shown you he was rude, arrogant and inconsiderate. You had already decided you didn’t like him, so I’m not sure why you doubted your intuition and talked yourself into giving him the underserved second chance.

I don’t know if this happens to men, but time after time I see women (myself included) go down paths we absolutely know won’t get us anywhere. That little voice in our head, the clenching of the stomach, everything says STOP and yet off we go, lalala. WTF, right?

So is there anything you could have done better? No, not really, except to think more highly of yourself and to start listening to your gut when it says go home. Nothing you could have done would have made this guy worthwhile if he wasn’t there already.

As to where one finds a good man in Vancouver, or anywhere in the world, for that matter, I’m not sure there is an exact answer for that. Except probably not Tinder, I’m guessing.

If it were me, I would not hesitate in signing up for one of the more reputable dating services. And I wouldn’t expect to meet the “one” on the first date.

I once knew someone who signed up with eHarmony and set up 5 dates in 5 nights. By the end of the week, he had kicked a couple of them to the curb (or vice versa) and then handed out a couple of roses and booked second dates. Within a few more weeks, he had begun what turned into a long term relationship. And if she hadn’t been in the first group of 5, I can almost guarantee he would have continued down that path until she was.

Is this a romantic approach? No, possibly not. Is it mercenary? Maybe. Is it efficient and effective? I think it is.

So unless you are a 20 year old who is still out there meeting tons of people on a regular basis, it really can be just a numbers game. Unless you’re going to give every douchebag the benefit of the doubt and then it might prove to be just as frustrating as what you are doing now.  That part is up to you.

Dharma

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