Failure to Launch


Dear Dharma,

What is wrong with women these days?  Have they always been so shallow and judgmental?  I can’t seem to find one reasonable intelligent woman to build a relationship with and I am asking for your advice.

I am a 28 year old male, with a full time job, and what used to be called “good prospects”.  I am saving towards a down payment on a home, but would love to have a partner to share and help with all of this!

My problem is the women I date seem to lose interest after they find out I live with my parents.  I am not some loser in the basement, I live there because it is convenient, and I like it.  My parents like it too, because I help out with the house and I pay rent.

Any woman I have dated can’t get past the “lives at home” thing – am I looking in the wrong places?

I’m (not) Movin’ Out

Dear Movin’ Out,

A lot of guys are probably thinking we could fill a page just by addressing your opening question, right? 🙂

“Shallow”… “Judgmental”… “Can’t find one reasonable intelligent woman”…And you want a partner to “help with all of this”…

I’ve got to say you’ve got me waffling all over the place.  Your approach to this question is inflammatory, and if you can put out that vibe to a stranger in a letter, then I’m wondering if women are pulling back from something other than your locale.

I’m going to admit that I have given the eye roll on more than one occasion when I hear “he lives at home”, but when I think about why I react that way, it’s more about the circumstances and particulars of the situation rather than the situation itself.

I had a boyfriend who lived at home before we lived together and his mom, while a great lady, cooked all his meals, cleaned his bathroom and went into his room to get his laundry… like, picked his underwear up off the floor and washed it for him.

What self-respecting guy is okay with that?  And if he is okay with that, (which he was – BLECH!), what do you think he expected once he moved in with me?

Exactly.  And when we broke up, he moved right back home.  Phhht.

There are eight million stories in the naked city and this is just one them. And it’s this type of story that gives your situation a bad rap.

Sorry for the rant – when you said it was “convenient” to live at home, that’s what came to mind.  And I can’t quite tell if this is your situation… Is it that you live at home and help out your parents, or is it that you live at home and your mommy takes care of you?  If you recognize yourself in the scenario above, then it might be more you than these unintelligent women who are the problem, as they are probably looking for someone more “grown up” to start a relationship with.

However, you do say that you help out around the house and pay rent – definitely pluses, as is your intention of saving for a down payment – so maybe it’s the women you are seeing who need to grow up and realize that at the end of the day, it’s an arrangement that works for both you and your parents, with a long term goal in place.

I don’t know if I’ve actually answered anything for you, because it’s hard to know if you are looking in the wrong places without knowing where it is you are looking, or if you’re just looking from the wrong place… Hopefully I’ve offered a bit of perspective?



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  • gemma471 says:

    Maybe its a stereotype but I always view it as a red flag if a guy is still living at home, but your right, the circumstances should matter. Women are usually attracted to men who are independant and self suficeint, so that’s probably whats putting these women off when he says he lives at home because its convenient.

  • Steering Clear... says:

    His opening paragraph… ugh.
    “…shallow and judgmental? I can’t seem to find one reasonable intelligent woman to build a relationship…” Wow! Pretty harsh generalizations. Not to mention bitter. No wonder he can’t find a date.

    And add to it that he still lives at home? I’d steer clear dating such a guy…. Play the movie forward. He finally has enough to buy a house and moves out. Dates and then resents her because what did she do to earn this fine catch who has his own house to boot?!!

    Which begs me to ask… Why is it that so many girls seem to grow up and leave home to make it on their own while so many guys are still living with their parents?

  • A dude around your age with a home. says:

    “Share and help with all of this”?????

    So, that’s not a good place to start looking for a relationship. What’s the plan here? Meet the girl, fall in love, split a mortgage together and move in? That should be a process that happens over years. Has this guy ever lived on his own? Would he and the girl rent a place together?

    Sorry, but “share and help with all of this” sounds to me like code for “houses are expensive and it would be less expensive with a partner”. Which is a bad place to start a relationship.

    How about this. You want to buy a place? Buy YOURSELF a place. Live there. Date. Fall in love hopefully. She could maybe move in. Maybe in a few years you get married, upgrade to a house. Etc.

    Don’t try and start halfway down the road – those experiences are how you find out if a relationship is going to go the distance.

    Maybe ask your parents what they did. Since, you know, they’re just down the stairs…

  • JellyBean403 says:

    I think age plays a lot into it too. 28 is on the higher end of my scale for sure, however you have a plan and are working towards something that is very adult. . I mean if the guy is 45 and still lives at home… eats cheetos in a bean bag chair…….that’s a different story!

  • Are you kidding me??? Really?? says:

    Ha! Are you looking in the wrong places? Who the heck knows? You didn’t mention where you’ve been looking.

    Either way, I don’t think the problem is that you can’t find an ‘intelligent’ woman. There are lots of intelligent woman out there – part of what makes them intelligent is that they know to steer clear of guys like you.

    “Good prospects”? Do you think she should like you because you have good prospects? That’s YOU being shallow. Jeez pal – self righteous much?

    I’m pretty damn sure a lot of women wouldn’t give a crap if you’re an adult who is at home to save money for a real estate investment. Most would actually probably be thrilled because it shows that you are ready for a commitment.

    Your opening statement shows that you aren’t though – I don’t think they’re running away for the reason you think they are buddy.

    Maybe try approaching the world a little less shallowly and judgementally yourself.

Whether you agree with Dharma or think she missed the mark on this one, leave a Comment!

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