Best of Dharma – The Pina Colada Song

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Hi there everyone and happy Friday!

Dharma is away on vacation (very likely sipping a pina colada) so it’s a great time to look back at some of the best.

This would be a terrible situation to be in and hopefully things got resolved to the Letter Writer’s satisfaction.

If you didn’t take the poll the first time around, take advantage of the second chance!

Dear Dharma,

My husband and I have been together for 15 years and overall have had a very good relationship.  We have a happy life together and our sex life is great.

However, about 6 months ago I caught him contacting other women online, as well as sexting. He has shared photos and these women have as well. I found a secret email address and a dating profile he had set up. He has contacted women on Craiglist as well as other sites.

When I confronted him, he said he was very sorry and promised he would never do it again. I did my best to forgive him and tried to move on, but I guess my trust was broken.  I noticed that he had grown distant so I crept his phone and iPad and found more sexting conversations.

Then I did a really stupid thing and set up a fake account and got him to chat with me.  The things he said without knowing it was me were shocking.

I confronted him again and asked him point blank if there was anything he wanted to tell me, was he sexting again and he said no…  Well he had chatted with a few people but nothing more than that. I then totally called him on it and said that I was the person he had been chatting with. He was pretty surprised, to say the least, but then he turned it around and accused me of going through his things.

He promises he won’t do it again, but I am struggling with this. At what point am I the fool?

Wife of a Sexter

Dear Wife,

You know what they say – fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.  So when you ask at what point you are the fool, I’m sorry to say, I think that ship has already sailed, non?

That sucks, I know, because this is your husband of 15 years we’re talking about, not just some casual fling.  Your life is built around this person, you’ve been happy, and now it’s all at risk.

You have a few choices as far as I can see.

You can focus on the good and turn a blind eye to the bad.  And by that I mean two blind eyes.  That means no creeping, no setting up bait cars, no nothing.  You just accept this is a part of his character and ignore it.  Anything else will just eat away at you.  And if you choose this door #1, you must understand you have decided to completely accept this as part of your life.

Behind door #2 we have marriage counselling.  It is one last attempt and a commitment to try and get things back on track and salvage the next 15 years.  Your husband needs to understand what’s on the table and will hopefully agree to go with you. Having a mediator involved could help him realize that his addiction to sexting and other such interactions is going to come at a pretty steep price.  And I’m not talking his subscription costs to Come Hither Weekly.

If he refuses to make a go of it and join you, 1) I think that’s a message you can’t help but hear, and 2) I think you should go by yourself.  It could help make some sense of it all and will likely give you some tools to help navigate this very rough patch.

Behind our last door, we have a suitcase.  If you can’t live with door #1 and don’t want to investigate behind door #2, then really, what other options are there?

And just so you know, if you choose to do nothing at all, you’ve essentially picked door #1 without the blinders.

Wow.  I can’t believe I didn’t make one reference to the Pina Colada song.

Shame it never ends that way…

Dharma

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3 Comments

  • rupert holmes says:

    Did she never even HEAR my song? Come on people! When you find out you’ve been unknowingly talk cheating with your own spouse, you laugh for a moment and then have a few drinks and go screw in the sand!
    bada bing bada boom, you’re smoking a cigarette and watching the moon!

    there are no problems that can’t be solved with careful application of late 70’s crapola!

  • Anastasia says:

    Wow! This totally sounds like a “Josh Duggar” situation. I say it’s time to pack the suitcase!

    You could choose to ignore it and pretend it doesn’t bother you (Please don’t be an Anna Duggar) but by writing this post it’s pretty clear that it does.

    You’ve already addressed the issue once and he has offended again its pretty clear that he doesn’t think that it is inappropriate. He clearly has no regard for how this makes you feel, which I’m hoping is disrespected and furious!

    Counselling will only help if he’s completely on board, so kick him to the curb and show him that you can survive just fine all on your own!

Do you agree with Dharma, or think she missed the mark on this one? Leave a Comment

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