Simply Ridiculous

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Dear Dharma,

I love your column – your advice is always refreshing and real and I have been a long-time fan!

I am in a very odd situation and want to run it past you for your thoughts.

A few months ago, I discovered that my boyfriend of 2 ½ years was married and has a teenage son. His wife and son live about 400 kilometers away in another city. He had always maintained that he was divorced with no children. Of course, I was very upset, but I loved him very much so at first I didn’t say anything. I withheld the information for a while, until the stress started to destroy me and I decided to confront him.

I expected him to be very angry, but he just seemed relieved. He told me that they were separated but because of their religion and family ties it was not possible for them to divorce. I wasn’t sure I believed him, so after some sleepless nights, a few tugs on the threads of my moral fiber, and something close to a nervous-breakdown, I called his wife. Oh, yes, I did. (I know, bad idea).

Then I texted him to let him know what I had done. (Another bad idea. I’m full of them).

And then – it got really weird…

She didn’t know about me, of course. At first, she was upset and things were going pretty much as you would expect them to go if some woman suddenly called to ruin your Friday night by informing you that your spouse has been double-dipping. Then she calmed down: since they had been apart for three years she was not surprised. We talked for quite a while and I found out that it was true, divorce was almost impossible for them due to extenuating circumstances.

She preferred to stay married, at least in name, for the sake of their son. After asking me all sorts of questions about myself and the relationship that I had developed with her husband, she decided she liked me and offered up a deal: she would give me her permission to continue my relationship with her husband as long as I didn’t pressure him to pursue a divorce. And as an added bonus, she would try to help me get back together with him because he was now not talking to me as a result of my phone call to her.

I am not even kidding.

I regret the entire incident, but really did not expect this end result. I am not even sure exactly what I want to ask you, so please feel free to comment at will.

All Kinds of Ridiculous

Dear Ridiculous,

I am glad about a whole lot of things in this letter.  I’m glad that you recognize this situation is weird.  Glad that you acknowledge some of the bad moves on your part – and really glad you haven’t asked a specific question that you would like me to tackle.

So here’s Dharma, commenting at will.

I’m wondering first and foremost why it is you don’t want a better relationship for yourself.  You seem so stuck in the craziness of this forest that you can’t see the trees.  You’re putting so much energy into the details of your boyfriend’s relationship with his wife that you seem oblivious to… well… pretty much everything else, like exactly how effed up of a path you’ve chosen.

Is it the drama you are addicted to?  I have to say, that’s what it sounds like.  Calling the wife, developing a relationship with her, having her now rallying to get the two of you back together, ahahaha, with her blessing nonetheless, so that she can continue on with her charade of a life – come on, Ridiculous!

And really, let’s cut to the chase on at least one thing.  They don’t have a marriage.  They have an arrangement.  So telling yourself – and her – that’s he’s been “double dipping” – phhhht… no, he hasn’t!  Is that just to up the drama ante for everybody’s sake?

Not the Victim

You’re not a victim here, as much as I think you want to be.  This entire situation is simply the end result of you making one (bad) choice after another.

Perhaps the reason you don’t have a specific question to ask is because you don’t really want to hear any sound advice.  If you did, you might have to take it to heart and doing something to better your situation as opposed to what you’re doing now.

Good luck with it all.

Dharma

ridiculous

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5 Comments

  • Um... what? says:

    Really, the only thing that matters here is that he lied to you for 2-1/2 years about having a child and a marriage he could never legally end (or won’t, another whole issue).

    Forget the rest. It’s all just fallout. Assuming you don’t want to marry him and are ok living with a partnership, accepting the risks since his marriage contract has legal ramifications in terms of property etc, assuming you’re ok with ALL of that. He still lied for your entire relationship.

    And now you’re hoping he will forgive you? YOU? Shouldn’t he be praying you’ll forgive him?

    The question should have been – “my boyfriend has lied to me and kept a huge secret our whole relationship that I only found out about by myself, and now he wants me to stay with him. Should I stay of go?” That should be the question in my opinion.

    Otherwise, you’re just signing on for the crazy, and that’s that.

    Maybe Dharma’a right – maybe you want the drama..

    • Dharma says:

      Yeah, the blame shifting is definitely an issue here… He’s got her thinking she’s in the wrong, which is just brilliant on his part – and a big red flag for emotional abuse.

      Thanks for weighing in.

    • Would run says:

      This is just what I was going to say!!! He lied about his LIFE. To boot, she was suspicious and now her suspicions have been proven correct. That seed of mistrust went and grew a giant tree. Even if they get back together there will always be this history between them and I don’t think she can ever trust him again. I would be outta there so fast.

  • Just sayin... says:

    Does this guy have a magic dick or something? Or is married to Beyoncé? I think a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T is needed in this situation – from all parties!!

    • Dharma says:

      Ha, that’s funny…

      I think the RESPECT ship has already sailed on this one… how about common sense… self preservation… self worth…

      Thanks for the comment!

Whether you agree with Dharma or think she missed the mark on this one, leave a Comment!

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