Blame It on Disney


Dear Dharma,

I love your site and hope you can help me!

I’m a single lady with a bone to pick. Why is good sex so hard to find?

I’m not saying that I’m a master of the activity (wouldn’t that look good on a business card??) but I am definitely feeling like my skills are better than most of my partners. I’d even go so far as to say that out of 5 sessions maybe 1 is decent.

Decent… but not good. I’m often left feeling completely disappointed.

Where is this youthful mind blowing sex I’m supposed to be having?

Please help!

Experience Required!

Dear Experience,

I don’t know why, but this question made me chuckle.  I think it was your closing line…

Part of my answer is going to be mushy, and part of it is going to tick off some of the guys out there…

Let’s start with the mush.  And your closing line.  And then let’s talk about Disney.

Not that Disney outwardly promotes youthful mind blowing sex, but they do promote the notion that we all find our perfect mate and go dancing off into the sunset with trumpets blaring and butterflies flapping.  And of course, the assumption of mind blowing sex is a by-product of this scenario…

This notion is pumped into our psyche from the moment our little eyes fix upon the big screen babysitter, and our expectations in life start to develop.  Then we wonder why, as adults, so many of us (especially women) are disappointed 12 months into a relationship when the bloom has faded and real life kicks in.

Point being, your expectation that mind blowing sex as a regular occurrence may be skewed.

A bit more mush.  In my, ahem, experience… mind blowing sex almost never happens without an emotional attachment.  So these great one night stands we hear about?  I’m calling bullshit.  Not across the board bullshit, but more often than not.

Come on ladies, back me up here!

If you are jumping straight into bed with the guys you are meeting, and then wondering why you are left feeling disappointed, I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s because you’ve disconnected emotional from physical.  In attempt to sow your wild oats and just pursue the carnal, a big part of the experience is being glossed over and left behind.  And since you asked, I honestly feel they go hand in hand.

Now let’s tick off the guys a bit.  And this is just a theory, okay?  I’m going to guess that you are between 20 and 25 years old.  And I’m going to guess, without spending any real time googling, that internet porn has been around about 5 minutes longer than the internet itself.  About 25 years.

See where I’m going here?

If I’m right on both of those counts, then all of your sexual partners have grown up in Generation Online Porn.

What…  you don’t think this shapes the way people perceive sexual relationships?  Of course it does.  And anyone younger than 30 has had easy access their entire lives to watching some random guy bang some random girl and having that represent the entire sexual experience.

I haven’t had a ton of experience in the porn arena, but my perception is that the plot line doesn’t focus all that much on female satisfaction.  Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.

Bottom line is that I can’t help thinking this potential theory plays into what you are experiencing.

I recognize that none of this offers you an actual solution, but it may help towards reshaping your thoughts on the topic and send you in a slightly different direction.



Got a question for Dharma? She’s probably got an answer!

Go on, submit your question in the contact form on the toolbar. You know you want to! To submit anonymously, just make up a fake name and email – as long as the fields are populated, it works!

And be sure to follow Dharma everywhere!

Instagram too!

And of course, Twitter…