Mother Mother

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Dear Dharma,

I love your advice! You are so knowledgeable and with the times!

I need help. I’m in a relationship with an amazing man, he treats me so well and I think he might be the one. However, there have been some recent…issues…with his mother.

He doesn’t have the closest relationship with her, because we live in a different country than she does, but I usually stay uninvolved in their conversations. Lately she has been reaching out to me, asking me why he won’t return her calls! The most recent email from her was asking me if he was mad at her which is not the case but if I ask him about it, he brushes it off and says he “doesn’t want to talk about it”

So do I leave it alone and maintain MY relationship with her?  Or should I pester him about it and get an answer for myself and her?

Not my Business (?)

Dear Business,

If you’re in this relationship with an amazing man who has got some problem with his mother so much so that it makes him stop all contact with her and he won’t even talk about it with you, how exactly is that not your business?

Not only is he avoiding her, but now he’s shutting you down too.  An amazing man should be at least somewhat open to a conversation about this, non?  Especially since you’ve inadvertently landed in the middle of it all…

It’s not for you to come up with an answer for his mother.

It’s up to him to deal with whatever is going on, which sounds like it will need some encouragement from you.  And honestly, I don’t think I would even call that pestering.

I would go to him again and reiterate that his mother is reaching out to you and wanting to know what is going on.  Ask him straight out how he would like you to handle that.  Tell him you don’t feel comfortable ignoring her, but you also don’t want to get involved in something you don’t completely understand yourself.

Tell him you’re not used to him being so closed off (if in fact that is true) and that while you respect whatever his decision is regarding his mom, it would be helpful if he could explain the sudden silence from his end.

If you stay low key and non-judgemental hopefully he will open up and you can figure out the next steps from there.  If he doesn’t, push again in asking how he would like you to respond to her in light of the fact that he won’t face her himself.  His actions (or non-actions) are what will continue to keep you involved, whether he wants you to be or not, as for sure she will keep turning to you for answers you don’t have.

Dharma

p.s. Thanks for the kind words – Dharma does like to think of herself as trendy and with the times, and it’s nice to know at least one other person agrees!  🙂

confused-mom

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