Butterflies in Her Eyes

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Dear Dharma,

I met this really fun guy. At a bar. And he can dance. Uh oh, I’m in trouble already!

We’ve been on a couple dates now and he is respectful, polite and is really good company.  However there are a couple of things that are complete deal breakers for me… so I honestly don’t see this as a long term thing. BUT the butterflies are there and I’m finding myself wanting to see more of him. I can’t seem to decide what I want or even if I want to take it further.

So before anything else happens do I need to have the talk with this guy? Or do I just see where it goes?

I’m In Trouble!

Dear Trouble,

So yeah.  I know the advice I should give you, and that’s to run, run the other way…  You’ve already identified a couple of things that are complete deal breakers… and a deal breaker should be exactly that, so why waste each other’s time, right?

Except… I’ve seldom known a person who can resist the butterflies.  And then the following temptation to “just see where it goes.”

Cuz… we already know the answer to that question, don’t we…

Yet we love, LOVE to trick ourselves with. “Well you never know, right? RIGHT?  Those deal breakers I mentioned, they might not even amount to anything, RIGHT?”

And yet they will.  They will and they do, if they are true deal breakers.

And “the talk” you’re referring to?  Irrelevant.  I mean, you can go ahead and do that (don’t!) but it won’t really give you anything constructive to work with.  What can the talk possibly produce after a mere couple of dates?

So go ahead, “see where it goes”. You’re going to no matter what Dharma says, right?  I know you are!

So how about this… just keep in mind that it will be super fun for the next little bit, but that the butterflies ultimately won’t do all that well under the weight of the deal breakers.  If you can do that, then you’ll probably survive the ordeal just fine.

Dharma

 

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4 Comments

  • just a guy says:

    Wow, I really think you missed the boat here Dharma! Did you even stop to consider that what this person considers “deal breakers” may be insignificant to most anyone else? Maybe the advice should be to consider the possibility that this guy has hidden qualities (because really how much can you know about someone after a couple of dates?) that will far outweigh the fact he prefers sushi to barbeque.

    “But that’s not a dealbreaker” you say, well obviously not, but the fact is you don’t KNOW what the writer considers a deal breaker before you send off the blanket comment that of course they will overwhelm whatever else this guy might have going for him.

    I think the fact that she is even considering this guy shows that the “dealbreakers” are not really all that!

    • Just a girl says:

      Dear Just a Guy,
      It doesn’t matter what others think about the deal breakers it’s what the person in the relationship thinks about them. And to her, they are significant enough to be deal breakers.

    • Dharma says:

      Hey there guy!

      By definition, a deal breaker most certainly could be insignificant to most anyone else, but not necessarily to the person in question. That’s the point, right? If it’s a deal breaker to LW, it’s a deal breaker, regardless of who else that applies to.

      You are correct in saying I don’t know what the LW considers a deal breaker, as they weren’t specific on that matter. However, I have to trust that they know themselves well enough to know what that entails and I can only give advice on that premise.

      And lots of people – LOTS of people – get into and stay in unhappy relationships that are filled with deal breakers left ignored.

      My hope is that the LW doesn’t join that rank of statistics.

      Thanks very much for your comment, Guy!

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