Cigarettes and Coffee

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Dear Dharma,

So I’m seeing this guy who I have known for 4 years. We met on Facebook and used to text and have phone calls because he lived on the other side of the country. Now he lives here and we’ve hung out twice.

He really likes me and I like him too but I am completely turned off by his life style. He smokes cigarettes. He drinks way too much alcohol. He never cooks for himself and always eats take out.

The worst for me is his cigarette habit though. Every time I leave his house I stink like cigarettes. And it’s just so unhealthy for him. I need him to quit smoking or else I can no longer keep seeing him.

What do I do?

Smoked Out

Dear Smoked,

You end it.  That doesn’t mean you can’t continue with your friendship – because, honestly, that’s all it is now (you’ve hung out twice!) – it just means you choose not to go down the “relationship” path.

Getting into a relationship where the main focal point is changing the other person – and in this case, we are talking a complete makeover – is a bad idea.  You can see that, right?

I’ve shared this before, and I’ll say it again.  The best thing I have ever overhead – and yes, I was totally eavesdropping – was a woman sharing that she just recently got engaged, and the way she knew he was the one? There was nothing about him she wanted to change.

What a beautiful sentiment, right?

And totally not what you’ve got going on here.

Your words – “completely turned off by his life style”.  Life style is a pretty major component of… life, non?  How long until this “turned off” feeling seeps into every single aspect of your relationship? Not long, I can almost guarantee it.

However, if you decide this advice is rubbish and pursue this anyway, please know you’re signing up for a world of nagging on your part and a world of resentment on his.  No healthy relationship thrives in this temperature, so please please please think twice about that path.

Dharma

 

 

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