Instagram Issues

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Dear Dharma,

I hope you can help me! I just recently discovered you and like you a lot.

My husband and I are both in our late 20’s (28 and 27) and have been married for 3 years.  I am a bit behind the curve on the whole social media thing, but have been on Facebook for a while.

A friend convinced me I needed to be on Instagram too, so I signed up and started connecting to everyone I know who was on it, my friends, family and hubby.

Soon it was apparent that my husband was constantly Liking half naked pictures from all sorts of sketchy women, because he had everything in his account public.  Oh well, just pictures right?  Except some of the “ladies” are people on the edges of our social crowd, and he has had contact with them at various times.

When I asked him about this, he freaked, and accused me of creeping his phone and spying on him.  I explained that everyone could see it, and next thing I know he deleted his Instagram account.

Well, fast forward a few weeks, and I find out (needed to use his phone when mine had died) that he has a new account, with all of his work and sports friends added, but not me or my friends.  And all the same liking girls pics.

Am I overreacting?  He clearly wants to hide this from me, should I confront him? Help me, Dharma!

Trouble in Instagramland

Dear Trouble,

Wow.  A whole lot of red flags going up over here in Dharmaland.

Your husband’s overreaction to your question reeks of guilt.  Additionally, the fact that he deflected and made you the problem is concerning. It shows signs of manipulation and control that I’m not liking.

You being concerned with his interaction with half naked “ladies” is not the problem, it’s his interaction with half naked ladies!

To follow that up, he deletes his account, reopens his account and reconnects with everyone – oh, except his wife… This does nothing but compound the shadiness of the whole deal.

So are you overreacting?  No, I don’t think so.

Should you confront him?  Well, yes, but you’ve already tried that with no success.  It actually pushed him farther into hiding…

The first thing you actually need to do is decide what you can live with.  If lying, hiding and sneaking are things you can turn a blind eye to for the long haul, then you’ll probably be okay.

However, if this is going to eat away at you and make you question every move he makes, then you’re going to need an action plan.

I’m hoping you’re leaning more towards the latter.  Please say you are…

If there’s no trust in a relationship, the end result is going to be no relationship, full stop.  That’s the message you need to get across to your husband.  Not in an accusing way, not in a hysterical way, but in a very matter of fact, stone cold sober kind of way.

He’s likely going to try and convince you that you are the problem once again, but don’t buy it.  Furthermore, let him know that ploy is getting old fast.

And then what… well, I guess you need to have some thoughts as to how you would like to move forward in rebuilding the trust that’s been broken.

Does that mean him leveling with you and owning his role in all of this?  Does it mean full disclosure when it comes to phones and social media?  Counselling, whether just for yourself or jointly?

One thing for sure, it has to mean some pretty serious conversations about the future of your relationship.  As it stands, the ground beneath is pretty shaky.

Dharma

 

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2 Comments

  • Irene says:

    You are bang-on, Dharma. If there’s not “trust” then it seeps into all areas of a marriage. Seek mutual counselling.

  • Anonymous says:

    Omg all SORTS of red flags! Dharma you couldn’t be more right in this. If there was nothing to hide he wouldn’t have deleted and reopened the account without connecting to his wife. Wow. Not ok.

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