Room for Two



Dear Dharma,

I think I’m being hosed. My boyfriend went on a business trip, which isn’t out of the ordinary at all and I trust him implicitly, normally, except for what he told me when he got back. And how he told me, like it wasn’t a big deal at all!

He said he shared a room AND THE BED!!! with one of his female co-workers!! Like I said, I trust him but come on! In what world is this ok? Did I mention that she does not look like a troll – at all.

Why couldn’t she have found her own room? And more so, why did my boyfriend think it was ok and no big deal to share a bed with her?! We’ve argued about it numerous times since he’s been back.

How do I get him to see that this wasn’t the best decision and understand my side of this? I see this as cheating – what do you think?

Hosed and Alone

Dear Hosed,

I like the way you thought it was relevant to mention that your BF’s co-worker doesn’t look like a troll – that actually made me LOL, so thank you for that!

Just wondering, though, if she were more troll-like, would we still be having this discussion?  Would you still consider it cheating if she were less attractive?  I guess we’ll never know, but it does offer a distinction worth pondering…

The main point here is that your boyfriend’s behaviour made you uncomfortable, and that should be the only issue at hand.  Whether or not Dharma thinks he cheated isn’t really important (for the record, I don’t, but it certainly falls under my definition of massively inappropriate with a huge helping of incredibly poor judgment).

You put forth a whole stack of questions… and without knowing more about the logistics of the trip, it’s hard to say what the deal was.  Your boyfriend should be able to offer up some of those details, like why she couldn’t have found her own room.  On a legitimate business trip, people get their own rooms.  It’s almost unheard of that she didn’t.  So why that didn’t happen is certainly a valid question.

Also, there were many ways this problem could have been solved, and the fact that your BF didn’t take any action to do so actually backs his rationale that he genuinely didn’t recognize there was a problem to solve in the first place.

Again, supremely bad judgment and a radar system in need of some serious servicing…

You’ve argued about this numerous times and he still doesn’t see that he made a bad decision, so I’m not hopeful he’ll suddenly see things differently.  So maybe agree to disagree so that you can both move forward.

Meaning that going forward, he’s well aware of how you feel, so there shouldn’t be a repeat performance.

If there is, well, I’d expect to hear back from you.

But wait!  There’s more!!

Now that you’ve read Dharma’s answer, you need to go and check out Dave & Kat to see what they said about this exact same question!

Dharma, Dave & Kat are having a little fun together this week, so all Q & A’s will be addressed in both forums.

Click here and go listen now!



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  • Vern says:

    wow, so many flags here…
    If your argument starts with “well technically it isn’t cheating…”, you have already lost. The fact is that he either sees this as no big deal (best case because he is just legitimately clueless) or has decided to brazen it out to make you the issue by overreacting (worst case because this is deflection and manipulation at a world class level). In either scenario, you are the loser! He is either some kind of social moron with pitiful judgement and bad decision making skills, or he is a full on sociopath! Both options say run! Run now! Run far!

    • Dharma says:

      Oh Vern, haha, do you just call the LW a loser? That’s not very nice…

      Not sure if I think pitiful judgement, which certainly is the case, is a reason to call things off at this point… if there were to be a repeat performance, now that he knows how she feels about it, that would be a different story…

      Thanks for your comment, Vern!

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