Un-break My Heart

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Dear Dharma,

A year ago I met an incredible woman. About six months ago our friendship progressed to the next stage – this despite the fact she was engaged and I was in a long term relationship with my de facto partner.

Our sexual affair, our love affair – and I was in love with her, and she said loved me – lasted perhaps four months before it all got too much for her, and she unceremoniously told her fiancé everything, without warning, cutting off all contact between us.

My own relationship inevitably fell apart not long after this affair ended.

The trouble is I miss her so much sometimes it hurts. I don’t know if she misses me, or if she cared for me at all. Maybe it was all just a game, or just sex to her, despite the frequent declarations of love.

Finding myself single, part of me wants to make contact. But part of me says no, that if she’s still in her relationship no good can possibly come of it. But I haven’t felt a love like that since I was a teenager (and that was a long, long time ago now) and don’t know if I ever will again.

What if we were soulmates, and as Mark Knopfler once said it’s just that the time was wrong? Or should I admit we both did a Very Bad Thing and stop obsessing over her like a lovesick teenager?

WW

Dear WW,

Affairs, of the heart and otherwise, can be such messy business, can’t they.

Something that would be helpful for me to know is if you were given any closure when she cut off all contact or did she just suddenly shut down and disappear.  If it was the latter that would certainly contribute to the trouble you are having moving past this.

When we fall in love, our bodies’ releases all kinds of chemicals that make us feel oh so good, so getting over a lover is very similar to kicking an addiction.  That’s the missing her so much it hurts part of the deal, and it sucks.

I don’t know if I think you need to walk around chanting we did a Very Bad Thing, but I do think you need to start finding ways to put this behind you.  The fact that it’s been a couple of months and you haven’t heard from her is unfortunately all you need to know about where she’s at.  She may or may not be in the same relationship, but either way, it doesn’t matter.  Soul mate or not, she hasn’t contacted you, and she could have if she wanted to.  So listen to that part of you that’s saying “no”.

Sorry for the hard truth.

Sadly the best remedy for a broken heart is time.  And trust me, I know what a lame solution that is, having been there myself in the past.  A broken heart can actually, physically hurt our bodies in ways that don’t even make sense.

You need to start taking control of your emotions and your thoughts in a very concentrated manner and focus on getting through one day at a time – much like AA or other recovery-type programs.

Here’s a few cheesy, but hopefully helpful places to start.  Read this one and this one.

Take care of yourself and have faith that this too shall past.  We are resilient beings – the healing process just takes time.

Dharma

 

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2 Comments

  • limbo? says:

    But what if she’s also thinking, “Why hasn’t he contacted me? He must not be interested anymore.” and they both never reach out? There’s gotta be a way for him to find out what her status is.

    • Dharma says:

      She’s the one who pulled the plug, cut all contact and ended the relationship. If there’s to be any contact going forward, wouldn’t that be in her court?

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