The Naked Truth

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Dear Dharma,

My boyfriend of 8 months is doing something that really makes me uncomfortable. He is a “party boy” type and I am somewhat of the same – by that I mean we both met at the bar. I have no issues with him going out to the bar with his guy friends on the weekends as he needs his guy time. We make sure we put aside Sunday’s together so that is no issue.

My issue is that he has gone to the strip clubs with his friends for the past two weekends. He made it seem like it’s no big deal. I can’t STAND the thought of him watching another woman get naked, let alone the private lap dances that are involved.

I have been to a strip club once with my girlfriends to see what all the fuss is about and it made me extremely uncomfortable. The whole thing creeps me out! No offence to the people who go or are involved in such things, it’s just not my thing.

Am I not enough for him? Why does he have to go see another woman get naked? How can I make him not go?

Not One of Brandi’s Girls

Dear Brandi,

After a 45 minute debate with Mr. Dharma on this subject, it was determined that men are indeed from Mars and women from Venus.

No matter how reasonable we both were, it kept coming back to a gallingly simple concept.  Men – generally speaking – don’t consider watching strippers or getting lap dances a sexual thing, while women – generally speaking – can’t get their heads around how a naked woman dancing in front of you – for you! – isn’t exactly that.

So we are going to tackle your question in a slightly different manner, and we’re going to take out the strippers and the lap dances.

Your question rewritten in that vein would read something like:  My boyfriend does X and it makes me uncomfortable.  When I bring it up with him, he says doing X is no big deal and that I’m basically over-reacting.  How can I make him stop?

To that question, Dharma would say you can’t actually make him stop doing something he clearly wants to do.  You can, of course, explain that it makes you uncomfortable with as much explanation as possible, and hope that in itself is enough to make him reconsider his actions.  Yet, if it isn’t, the proverbial ball is going to be in your court.

Can you live with your boyfriend continuing to do X or is it a deal breaker? Only you can decide that one…

As a side note: I’m hoping you see your boyfriend more than one day a week.  If not, that could be contributing to some of the problems.  I’m not implying that the reason he goes to strip clubs is because he only sees you once a week, but it may be contributing to how you feel about it.

Another side note: From everything I know, men – generally speaking – do not go to strip clubs because their wives or girlfriends are not enough for them.  So choose not to view your boyfriend’s motivation in that light.

Remember – you can’t change the behaviour of others, only your own and how you respond.  If your boyfriend’s behaviours don’t mesh with your core values, make the issue about compatibility, and not the girl on his lap.

Would love to get feedback on this from Dharma’s readers, as it was quite the hot topic in our kitchen tonight!

Dharma

 

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