Saturday Night

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Dear Dharma,

I have been with the same man for almost three and a half years, two and a half living together. I am ten years his senior at 59 to his 49.  With no intention to be immodest, I am a very young 59 in demeanor, outlook, and looks.

Our sexual relationship – or lack thereof – is quickly becoming a bone of contention (pardon the pun).  He rarely wants sex, never initiates sex, has a million reasons why he doesn’t want it, and only seems capable of it on Saturday night. We haven’t had spontaneous sex in… Damn, just can’t remember!

He shows no desire for me, which plays into my struggles with self-esteem.  I can tell you that others tell me I’m beautiful and hot, but to me, they’re just words. We’re caught in this awful hamster wheel of “He never shows desire for me – I become suspicious.”

Any helpful suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Saturday Night Live

Dear Saturday Night,

As happens so often, I wish I had access to more information!  Like, has your guy always been disinterested in sex, or is this a recent change?  Because without knowing that, it’s hard to say if it’s a matter of simply being ill-suited in the bedroom or if there is a bigger problem at hand.

Also, I’d want to know more about his million reasons for not wanting sex.  And what you are suspicious of when he doesn’t show desire for you…

Also, I’m not sure if I think it’s your boyfriend’s job to fix your struggles with self-esteem simply by taking you to bed.  Am I wrong to say it seems like there are deeper issues at play here?

Because I don’t have your phone number, and we can’t hash this out over a bottle of Merlot, I’m afraid I’m going to have to handle this in a very broad manner.

I’m hoping the two of you have a strong enough relationship in other aspects that you are able to have an honest and heart felt talk about this.  As in, no accusations, no blaming…

Stay away from, “When YOU do this…” and move more in the direction of, “When things like X happen…”  That way you are addressing the situation as opposed to attacking the person.  The goal of this conversation is to see if the two of you are at least on the same page as to how to move forward and start fixing the situation.

Because right now it’s likely overshadowing everything – you’re fixated on why he won’t have sex with you unless it’s Saturday night and making it about rejection, and he’s probably turtling, the way men often do when there’s a problem.  Your actual hamster wheel is probably more like, “Attack, avoidance, attack.”

If it turns out you are on the same page in wanting to make a go of a happy and satisfying relationship, then you may want to consider couple’s counselling.  No shame in that, it sounds like there’s a lot of ground you could both cover. And if he’s not game for that, don’t rule out going by yourself.

If you’re not on the same page in regards to making some changes, well, that hamster wheel will simply keep spinning.  Nothing different can come out of doing the same thing over and over, right?

And that’s really the decision the two of you need to make – keep on spinning that wheel, or hop off and head in a new direction.

Dharma

 

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