When Your Friend Tells You All About the Party – That You Weren’t Invited To!

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Dear Dharma,

I went for lunch with my best friend yesterday and she spent half the afternoon telling me about a dinner party she had last weekend… a party my husband and I were not invited to!

The best part was over half the people there were mutual friends of ours.  I am feeling quite hurt she never invited us – we always include her and her boyfriend.

Am I wrong to feel that way?

Cinderella Missed the Ball

Dear Cinderella,

I’ll be honest and share with you that I waffled back and forth on your question, Miss Cinderella…

Actually, no, that’s not true… I didn’t waffle over your actual question, I waffled over what I would do if I was in your situation.  And actually, I’ve been in your situation, so maybe I was more reflecting on how I handled it and if I did anything at all, other than pout…

Anyway, answering your question is super easy.  No, you are not wrong to feel the way you do.  Feelings are what they are, and they shouldn’t be subject to “right” or “wrong”.  It’s what you do about those feelings that are more open to those labels…

There. I answered your question.  Right?  No one can say I didn’t answer what was directly asked.  What you didn’t ask was what you should do about this, if anything at all… ha, but you know Dharma can’t resist a little side show!

And really, all you’re going to get out this is a front row seat to my inner waffle.

Your friend is not obligated to invite you to every single function she has.  And you should only want to be invited to things where you know your company is genuinely valued.  Basically saying, you don’t want them inviting you just so your feelings won’t be hurt.

Is there any reason at all you can see that you wouldn’t have been invited?  You say half the people there were mutual friends… who were the other half?  I can see situations where maybe some friends don’t blend as well with others – could that have been the case?

And then there’s why in the world did your friend go into all this detail about a party you weren’t invited to?  That seems insensitive.  I mean, she didn’t need to lie or never tell you about it, but her radar should have told her this would only serve to make you feel left out, being your best friend and all… Is this typical behavior for her?

And then there’s evaluating if this is a hill worth dying on should you ever choose to share with her how this made you feel.  Is it better to tell her in a non-confrontational manner or is it better to pout on the sidelines and then try to rise above?

Gawd, now I need to write to an advice columnist!

Readers, if you have anything you want to add, please feel free in the comments below.  Clearly, Dharma needs help sorting her inner waffle.

Dharma

 

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6 Comments

  • Hmm, the fact this person is labelled as ‘best friend’ suggests they have a reasonably good friendship? I am going to guess there was some reason they weren’t invited that the friend forgot to mention and it wasn’t intended to be a slight. Unless this happens a lot/again, I would let it go… or maybe just ask like “hey, your dinner party sounded fab – any reason we weren’t invited? Would love to come to the next one!”

    My best friend quite often forgets to invite me to things, because she assumes she already has!

    • Dharma says:

      THAT is funny! But eventually, when you weren’t at the party, she would realize she forgot about you, and then invite you… wouldn’t she? 🙂

      I agree that if this is a one off that it is probably best to let it go… although I still maintain it’s okay that the LW is feeling somewhat bad about being left out… but no, not a hill worth dying on…

      Thanks Cinnamon Sunrise!

  • I agree with Suzie. Once could have been a miss-step, or there were others present that could have made for a difficult time. If it happens more than that, I’d suggest a chat to find out what happened. If no info is forthcoming, then….

    • Dharma says:

      Yeah – like I said, I too am wondering who the other half of the guests were, and if there was perhaps some conflict there…

      In order for there to be a balanced friendship, I am really hoping this was a one off, as the LW states that she always includes her BFF… so to have that not be reciprocated is… strange…

      Thanks so much for chiming in, Covert Novelist!

Whether you agree with Dharma or think she missed the mark on this one, leave a Comment!

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