Secrets?

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Dear Dharma,

I’ve been dating someone for a few months now and I thought I pretty much knew everything about him.

We’ve had the “where is this going” talk, the “let’s be exclusive” talk and the “plan Christmas together” talk… but recently I was shocked to find out something about him that I would’ve thought he would have already mentioned. He was married before. Married!

We’ve talked about our pasts and I’m not one that needs to know everything but this seems pretty major. Is this a deal breaker? Is it sign of him keeping secrets?

Not the First Wife

Dear Not the First,

As someone who gives advice on a regular basis, it would stand to reason that I would read a lot of other advice columns, right? And I do, I’ve got lots of favourites…  These are just a few…

And one piece of advice I commonly see dispensed is that no one should feel obligated to share anything they don’t want to…

So from that viewpoint, did your boyfriend do anything wrong?

Well, no, except… I don’t know, call me contrary, but I think part of getting to know someone includes sharing the highlights.  Having been previously married should hit that criterion, non?

Have you asked why he didn’t share this information? Understanding his reasoning is the sure place to start, and then maybe you can decide how to move forward from there.

If he has a compelling reason for keeping this information to himself, you can take that into consideration and see how you feel about things at that point.  If he blows it off as no big deal, none of your business kind of thing, you can weigh how you see a future with someone who takes that line of reasoning.

It’s definitely a question mark as it stands now, but I don’t know how big of a red flag it is without knowing more.  Would love to get some feedback from other readers to see what they think about this…

Dharma

 

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