By the Way, I Slept with Him

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Dear Dharma,

Why would a guy friend hide the fact that he is talking to another girl who may be a potential girlfriend?

He gets very defensive and evasive when I ask about her. I found out about her completely by chance and not from him and then it was confirmed when I saw a really cute Christmas postcard from her on his desk, but he didn’t want me to look at it and wouldn’t tell me who it was from, but I saw it was from her.

There’s also evidence that he didn’t tell me the truth about where he was one time. I found out later he actually went on a trip with her that day… So he clearly doesn’t want me to know about her…

Does that mean that he sees me as more than a friend and might want to keep me around for the future?  Because if we were truly just friends, he would be upfront about it, right? There would be nothing to hide.

I’m interested in him, BTW, but confused as to how he feels… are there any signs to help me determine if he sees me as just a friend or more?

Another thing is we had sex recently (which isn’t a regular thing at all!), which was initiated by me but he went along with it which he probably wouldn’t do if that girl was truly his girlfriend… but it was so weird and awkward after we had sex.  He acted so cold and distant afterwards…

I’m just really confused about the whole thing…and if you could shed some light that would be much appreciated!

Mixed Signals

 

Dear Mixed,

I have to tell you something… this is one of my most favourite letters I’ve received in a long time.

I’m reading along, and I’m like, “Okay, they’re just friends, yeah it’s weird he would be hiding this new relationship from her, I’m following…” and then boom the whole context changes right before my very eyes – which I did not see coming.

I love when that happens, because I have a knack for seeing things coming. And when I don’t, it’s such a rush of unexpected emotions… which I appreciate.

“Because if we were truly just friends, he would be upfront about it, right? There would be nothing to hide.”

“I’m interested in him, BTW… and another thing is we had sex recently.”

Come now, you must see when uttered out loud, back to back like that, those two statements become mutually exclusive.  Meaning one of those scenarios can’t be true while the other is in play.

So.  Where to start, Dear Dharma…

Your first question is why is he handling things like this, the whole not admitting he has a girlfriend thing.

And then you provided the answer for that.  It’s because you’re interested in him, which he knows, which makes it kind of awkward for him to be all, “Hey, good news!  I’ve got a new girlfriend!”  Having the information confirmed may drive you away, which he knows.

You ask if there’s a possibility he sees you as more than a friend, and then you provided the answer for that too when you threw in that you’ve already slept together, making it clear you’ve both moved outside the friend zone.  Pair that up with the fact that he doesn’t want to drive you away, and I think it’s fairly clear he’s interested in you.

Would he have slept with you while he had a girlfriend, you asked, thinking it was unlikely… except… I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what happened, which then explains why he was cold and distant afterward… because he just cheated on his girlfriend.

You’re confused, he’s confused… and that’s because the two of you have done your very best to make it… confusing!  And it doesn’t seem anyone is doing anything to clear anything up except to play guessing games.  And my guess is that isn’t working all that well.  For anyone.

So decide what you want, put it out to him, and then let him decide what he wants.  You’ll either be on the same page or you won’t, but you won’t know until someone starts being direct.  Let that someone be you.

Dharma

 

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