Did I Marry a Mobster?

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Dear Dharma,

I’ve been married happily to my loving husband for a few years but just found out some monumental information about him that is making me question the entire marriage.

He hasn’t had a job for this whole time and makes his money illegally!

I’m horrified that he’s a con artist who lies to people and has lied to me for years. I don’t know what to do because in all other aspects of the life we’ve built together and how he treats me is pretty perfect.

I’m torn if I should leave him because of the principal or stick it out and hope he corrects his behavior.

Married to the Mob

Dear Mob,

This sounds like a bad movie.

And if it’s something you can completely turn a blind eye to (I mean, completely) then I guess you can consider staying.

However, if you can’t, then you already know the answer.  You can’t stay in a situation where you are constantly feeling “horrified” by the way the bills are paid.

Hoping he will “correct his behavior” sounds like a pipe dream to me.  This has been going on for years and your husband is exactly who he is.  Pushing him to be something else will have a frustrating and corrosive effect on both you and your marriage.

Would it be hard to leave this otherwise “pretty perfect” situation?  I’m guessing yes.  But only you can decide which is harder.  Leaving, or continuing on with the knowledge you now have.

Both being pretty crappy options, for sure, but is there one you can see yourself living easier with?

Dharma

 

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7 Comments

  • There is yet another interesting dilemma here: is he, in fact, making money illegally, or does he have some funds squandered away, hidden from his wife? If it’s the latter, she’ll have to make a decision whether she wants to continue this “perfect” marriage in which a major factor is being concealed from her. However, if it is the former, then she is harboring a criminal, which in itself is a criminal offense in most countries. Is she ready to break the law?

  • Rose coloured glasses. says:

    Cough, cough. How could you not know🙄 after a few years married. Really? You had no idea he wasn’t working only to find out he makes money through illicit means. You dated him and married him…. Oh gosh, I cannot believe I’m reading this Victorian woman’s life. Bring on the smelling salt. I may be having a fainting spell.

    • Dharma says:

      You know, I once heard a story about a guy – actually it was the guy telling the story, so it was an accurate telling – who was involved with a… famous motorcycling club, cough, cough – and made a huge portion of his money through that involvement. He did have a day job, which is where the wife thought the money was coming from, but otherwise she was completely unaware of his… other activities.

      She did eventually find out, and she did leave him… but point being, as crazy as it sounds, I actually believe these things can happen outside of the movies!

      Thanks so much for your comment…

  • Sharon says:

    I just have to ask ” what were your conversations about” a good marriage starts with communication and your letter sounds like there was none. I believe a person can only do to you what you allow and in this case you didn’t ask enough questions or you just didn’t care about the money and where it came from

    • Dharma says:

      Hey there Sharon – yes, I agree that it sounds like honest communication was lacking – but per my example under the comment above… if the communications were based on the spinning of his lies, and if she didn’t feel she had any reason to question anything…

      Gah…!

      It’s easy to paint this with a black and white brush, but honestly, there’s probably so much grey here, it’s hard to judge…

      Thanks for your comment…!

Whether you agree with Dharma or think she missed the mark on this one, leave a Comment!

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