The Sex Drive of a Snail



Dear Dharma,

I absolutely lust after my man. He’s gorgeous, God wasn’t shy in blessing his manhood department, he’s kind, sweet, funny, and everyone likes him. You’d think I had it made, right?

So frickin’ close! We’d have the perfect relationship except for one really big thing: he has the sex drive of a half dead snail that was run over and left for dead by the side of an ice highway in the most northern town you can think of. And that snail’s sex drive is still probably higher than my man’s.

I’m going out of my mind here. We are lucky to connect in bed once a month. He has plenty of excuses – too tired, just not tonight, even the proverbial “I have a headache!”

This isn’t my first relationship and I still get hit on so I know I’m not repulsive. And I know he looks at porn (I don’t care that he does) and when he’s ogling that stuff, and he does very often, he’s looking at ladies, not the men.

He says talking about it makes him feel worse and not want to do it at all, so what are my options here? Don’t discuss it with him and suffer in silence waiting for his primal urges to kick in? I’m this close to having an affair.

Please help,

Very Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Emily Yoffe, who used to write my all-time favorite Dear Prudie, once said that she wished she could start a libido-based couples matching service…

And, like her, I see this a lot.  The “perfect relationship except”…

Not every couple needs to be compatible in every way, but it sure does help if you’re in sync on the big things, the deal breakers.

And for sure this sounds like a deal breaker for you, if you’re “this close to having an affair”.

May I just say… don’t.  Don’t do that.  Because to punish your guy for something you knowingly signed up for would be grossly unfair.

Trade in the mass upheaval that would cause for a conversation.  An honest, heart to heart, what do we do now, kind of talk with your so fricken close to perfect guy.  Because, as difficult as that might seem to even think about, I guarantee it will be a whole lot easier than the discussion you would have if you cheated and he found out.

And, honestly? I would really consider couples counselling.

This seems like a relationship worth saving, so why wouldn’t you throw everything you can at it?  Even if he won’t go with you at the beginning, consider going alone.  It comes off as less of an ultimatum if he sees you are trying to come up with solutions regardless of his initial participation.

Hoping this works out for you both…



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  • Andre Pierre G. says:

    Hello Dear Dharmalibers, this is such a recurrent topic in any kind of relationship. The science of behaviour and mind, including conscious and unconscious phenomena, as well as thought, AKA Psychology considers the CASTRATION as a common cause of the poor performance in male sex behaviour. Let’s talk a little bit about this, “Castration: to render impotent, literally or metaphorically, by psychological means, especially by threatening a person’s masculinity”. Only the ones inside of that marriage know the reason, perhaps only one of them. The fact is, what they will get from the therapist may be to try as many alternatives as possible, to look for an insight and to dig inside of the real love they have for each other. My opinion is, have she let this very clear with him? Does she let him be 100% himself, or as a result of pushing him over and over he is way too far now? An affair, is never a bad idea if its only sex, but she will not do that because she has so much to lose.

  • Dharma says:

    This is a really open and heart felt comment that was made by a reader named Wayne on Medium, where Dharma posts for PS I Love You –

    I must say this struck me right in the heart strings. When me and my wife started dating, my sex drive was out if this world crazy. But after being together for 16 years it pretty much died to almost nothing. It’s not that I found my wife to be ugly or that I didn’t desire her still. I just got complacent in the marriage sexually. I didn’t think it mattered to her so it didn’t matter to me.

    Well apparently it was a huge deal for her because she recently told me that it was. She swears she still loves me but just isn’t sexually attracted to me anymore. I wish that she said something so much sooner because had I known it was a deal breaker then I would have given it way more attention. Needless to say, communication is a big key to the continued success of a relationship.

    I’m not blaming her. I’m blaming us. Together we let the communication die. Neither one of us voiced anything to each other. So from that one thing many more issues were discovered. Now I don’t know if there is any saving our marriage. But I still think there is hope. Sorry for the story. Thanks for writing this article.

  • Dharma says:

    Another great comment received through Medium: (

    But, did she?

    In her letter, I see no indication that she knew before marriage that he had a low sex drive. I don’t think it’s fair to hold her accountable for a decision which she was not 100% informed of beforehand. But also, I think it’s wrong we try to convince each other that our partner must be our everything. I wouldn’t advise sneaking behind his back mind you, but if she needs more itch she shouldn’t just be consigned to a life of no itch and he made to feel guilty.

    Also, something to consider is that perhaps she’s maybe too vanilla, or something, for him — and so he resorts to porn, which kills his sex drive. She should work on getting him comfortable watching porn together, in order to learn his preferences and why he prefers that to actual sex. Maybe he just wants to kick back and be pleasured without having to make effort himself, which is great, and if she did that a while for him she might find it sort of heals something for him and he might start reciprocating. More advice: she could consider attending a strip club or even lap dance with him. Enjoy watching him unwind, guilt free, and he’ll be more likely to want to include her.

    The standard advice of don’t have an affair, and talk about it, is frankly weak. You want to improve your sex life? SWITCH THINGS UP. Show him you and he are a judgment free zone. It’s play time, what does he want to do? Watch porn? Fine, watch with him, but not awkward, get into it with him, pleasure yourself and each other. Do that for a while and things might start to progress.

    But counseling? Please. Though helpful, that’s just going to feel like more formal quasi religious crap. Just unwind with him! He’ll prefer that, even if awkward at first.

    Note: do be careful it doesn’t turn into a permanent thing of only ever pleasing him without involving your own needs. I’m not saying that. Love him and see if you can’t heal what’s broken. But don’t be a sucker either. You also have needs.

  • Dharma says:

    And yet another great comment received through Medium from Mandy…

    It could certainly be that he has a porn addiction problem. Telling his wife she needs to join in his porn addiction is not the answer. Telling his wife she needs to become a porn queen is not the answer. Preferring to watch porn to human interaction with his wife is the problem and feeding that addiction will not cure that addiction. Counselling is the answer.

Whether you agree with Dharma or think she missed the mark on this one, leave a Comment!

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