The Sex Drive of a Snail



Dear Dharma,

I absolutely lust after my man. He’s gorgeous, God wasn’t shy in blessing his manhood department, he’s kind, sweet, funny, and everyone likes him. You’d think I had it made, right?

So frickin’ close! We’d have the perfect relationship except for one really big thing: he has the sex drive of a half dead snail that was run over and left for dead by the side of an ice highway in the most northern town you can think of. And that snail’s sex drive is still probably higher than my man’s.

I’m going out of my mind here. We are lucky to connect in bed once a month. He has plenty of excuses – too tired, just not tonight, even the proverbial “I have a headache!”

This isn’t my first relationship and I still get hit on so I know I’m not repulsive. And I know he looks at porn (I don’t care that he does) and when he’s ogling that stuff, and he does very often, he’s looking at ladies, not the men.

He says talking about it makes him feel worse and not want to do it at all, so what are my options here? Don’t discuss it with him and suffer in silence waiting for his primal urges to kick in? I’m this close to having an affair.

Please help,

Very Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Emily Yoffe, who used to write my all-time favorite Dear Prudie, once said that she wished she could start a libido-based couples matching service…

And, like her, I see this a lot.  The “perfect relationship except”…

Not every couple needs to be compatible in every way, but it sure does help if you’re in sync on the big things, the deal breakers.

And for sure this sounds like a deal breaker for you, if you’re “this close to having an affair”.

May I just say… don’t.  Don’t do that.  Because to punish your guy for something you knowingly signed up for would be grossly unfair.

Trade in the mass upheaval that would cause for a conversation.  An honest, heart to heart, what do we do now, kind of talk with your so fricken close to perfect guy.  Because, as difficult as that might seem to even think about, I guarantee it will be a whole lot easier than the discussion you would have if you cheated and he found out.

And, honestly? I would really consider couples counselling.

This seems like a relationship worth saving, so why wouldn’t you throw everything you can at it?  Even if he won’t go with you at the beginning, consider going alone.  It comes off as less of an ultimatum if he sees you are trying to come up with solutions regardless of his initial participation.

Hoping this works out for you both…



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  • Andre Pierre G. says:

    Hello Dear Dharmalibers, this is such a recurrent topic in any kind of relationship. The science of behaviour and mind, including conscious and unconscious phenomena, as well as thought, AKA Psychology considers the CASTRATION as a common cause of the poor performance in male sex behaviour. Let’s talk a little bit about this, “Castration: to render impotent, literally or metaphorically, by psychological means, especially by threatening a person’s masculinity”. Only the ones inside of that marriage know the reason, perhaps only one of them. The fact is, what they will get from the therapist may be to try as many alternatives as possible, to look for an insight and to dig inside of the real love they have for each other. My opinion is, have she let this very clear with him? Does she let him be 100% himself, or as a result of pushing him over and over he is way too far now? An affair, is never a bad idea if its only sex, but she will not do that because she has so much to lose.

  • Dharma says:

    This is a really open and heart felt comment that was made by a reader named Wayne on Medium, where Dharma posts for PS I Love You –

    I must say this struck me right in the heart strings. When me and my wife started dating, my sex drive was out if this world crazy. But after being together for 16 years it pretty much died to almost nothing. It’s not that I found my wife to be ugly or that I didn’t desire her still. I just got complacent in the marriage sexually. I didn’t think it mattered to her so it didn’t matter to me.

    Well apparently it was a huge deal for her because she recently told me that it was. She swears she still loves me but just isn’t sexually attracted to me anymore. I wish that she said something so much sooner because had I known it was a deal breaker then I would have given it way more attention. Needless to say, communication is a big key to the continued success of a relationship.

    I’m not blaming her. I’m blaming us. Together we let the communication die. Neither one of us voiced anything to each other. So from that one thing many more issues were discovered. Now I don’t know if there is any saving our marriage. But I still think there is hope. Sorry for the story. Thanks for writing this article.

Whether you agree with Dharma or think she missed the mark on this one, leave a Comment!

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