When That Girl Resurfaces

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Dear Dharma,

I’m in need of advice. I’ve been with my partner for 6 months and sometimes we argue.  Lately the problem is this girl he’s slept with years ago and she’s now texting him and telling him she’s single, pregnant and getting an abortion.

I’ve sent her texts asking her to stop texting him but she still does it anyway, and lots of times my boyfriend doesn’t tell me about it, which makes it looks like he’s hiding something.  But who texts another girl’s man and shares personal details like that??

How do I ignore it or get the truth from him? Should I just leave?

Problems with this Girl

Dear Problems,

Gah.  I have questions.

Like… have your boyfriend and this girl maintained a friendship over the past years since they slept together?

As in, are they friends, or was this just an out of the blue re-connect?

I guess that’s actually my main line of questioning, and it really makes all the difference in regards to helping you with this.

If they have maintained a friendship, then… it’s actually okay for your boyfriend to have friends.  And it’s okay for them to talk to him when they are going through difficulties.  Yes, even if they are girls, and yes, even if they slept together once upon a time.

Unless, of course, you feel her motivation is to get back with him… which I suppose is another question I have.  Do you feel she (or he) has any motives outside of communicating within a friendship?

Because if you answer yes to that, then that’s a whole other enchilada.  Especially if it’s him with the motives…

And by the way, a lot of times guys keep things “hidden” when they think they are going to get crap for something, even if they genuinely have done nothing wrong.  They just don’t want to hear about it.  Not saying this is the best way for them to deal with things, I’m just saying it’s a common way for them to deal with things.

So him not telling you when she contacts him may not be an indication that there is anything going on, it just may be an indication that he doesn’t want to get yelled at.

Moving to option B, where this was an out of the blue re-connect, then I can see how you would be justified in having a hard time understanding what is going on.

My advice in this case would be to have a conversation with your boyfriend – a conversation, not a session of telling him what he can and can’t do – to let him know how this makes you feel and to have him explain why he feels he needs to involve himself with her problems after all this time.

Only once you’ve done that can you make a better decision as to what your next steps should be.  Feel free to ring me back at that point and we’ll take it from there.

Dharma

 

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