I think I may be going crazy and I need your guidance in this relationship nightmare I’ve found myself in.
I’m from a conservative, traditional Indian family to put my question and situation into context. I had met and fallen in love with my soulmate in college about 7 years ago. We were together for over 2 years, talked about marriage and were making plans for the future.
He wasn’t from the same background as me but I didn’t think that was going to be a problem for my strict family until we were invited to my cousin’s wedding and my family boycotted it due to the same reason.
I’m not proud of this but I basically ghosted my soulmate after that. Just stopped talking to him all together.
I eventually met someone else with the same background whom I thought would be accepted by my family but he wasn’t. My parents didn’t allow us to get married and they married me off to someone of their choosing. I wasn’t strong enough to stand up to them, I know.
We’ve been married a little while now and strange things have been happening. I have an incredibly short temper, yell at my whole family and am just not a nice person. When my episode passes I feel guilty for being so mean.
It almost feels like I’m possessed when it happens and that my family would be better off without me. In fact, the world probably would be.
Am I depressed? What did I do in a past life to deserve this? I don’t know where to turn.
I feel I need to tread lightly here, because I don’t want to say anything that comes off as insensitive or ignorant regarding any type of culture…
So instead, I’m going to make this about humans, if that’s alright…
Anytime a human has major decisions made about their own life without having the opportunity to even weigh in, it’s going to give off all kinds of negative results.
Gah, I know if I’m even somewhere I don’t want to be – that work event I’d rather skip, the baby shower where I don’t know anyone – I slide into all kinds of discomfort. And often, my discomfort manifests in defensiveness, snippiness and sometimes downright rudeness.
And that’s at a baby shower! Let alone being married and sharing a bed with someone when I had no choice?
It’s no wonder you have a short temper and yell at your family. Your will is not your own and you have to live with that fact every single day. I honestly don’t know how you do it, and my heart goes out to you.
The good news is that you’re not crazy and I’m pretty sure you’re not possessed.
The bad news is that I don’t know what else to tell you. I know that in many cultures, divorce is not an option, standing up to your parents (feels like it) is not an option and free will for women is not an option.
And if we are taking all those things off the table, I don’t know what I can say that will help you. Even if I were to suggest counselling, where do you go if you can’t openly consider living a life of your own choosing?
So tell me… are we taking all those things off the table?
If there’s any wiggle room on any one of those things, then we have somewhere to go.
Send me a response at Dear Dharma (if you’re comfortable with that – it’s private) and let’s see if we can find a light.
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